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Chickens are decent people

Here’s a fellow bloggers article i found particularly hilarious and interesting. They also seems to share my love of George Carlin 😉

Source: http://funnyquotes.wordpress.com/2007/02/04/george-carlin-quotes/

Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.

– George Carlin

PhilosopherPoet

Puss in Boots

It was a mid afternoon sky that made me feel alive I sat on the rough concrete outside my old flat. It was one of those hand me down apartments, with cockroaches under the kitchen sink, and the porch weathered away by the claws in the rain. In the evenings I’d like to sit outside and listen to the beetles and birds in the gardens of adjacent houses.

Now I was never a fan of cigarettes. The taste attracted me although if I tried to inhale anything more than a puff, I’d end up wheezing and coughing like an old cat. Some friends of mine introduced me to the water pipe. Right at the top of this structure you’d pack the tobacco into a clay bowl. Fags and cigars come ready-made. This makes them expensive, but also quick and easy to get going. I’d started to learn that with most things in life, if you wanted to the experience to taste good you had to put in a lot of preparation.

So with this type of smoking the tobacco is a sticking molasses-looking substance you bought in boxes. I’d often visit the tobacconist and spend several minutes picking up the palm-sized boxes of tobacco and smelling them. I’d learnt by now which flavours were consistent, and which you should avoid. Generally I’d select fruity flavours like watermelon, orange and grape. Once in the clay bowl I’ll mix them up with a herb like flavour to give the taste consistency; something along the lines of mint or pan rasna.

Once you have the tobacco placed into a small clay bowl this sits on top of your hookah. You cover the top with a layer of tinfoil (with holes neatly poked through) and then continue to light a circular coal, and let it rest on the tin foil. After many house parties and sessions of listening to crickets at home, I’d learnt the science behind the hookah. The simple things no one else knew like how to properly aerate the tobacco so that it cooks slowly and in-between that clay bowl and tin foil the flavour is actually baking under the pocket of air left in the bowl.

Most people bought a rubber valve from the stores that is placed underneath the clay bowl. This allows it to sit securely on. I’d lost mine at a friend’s 21st and so I came up with a painstaking ritual that works more effectively…wet paper. I’d keep an exercise book (or roll of newspaper) in my bag with my travelling hookah. Every time I needed to smoke I’d wet the paper on both sides and mould it to the metal stem. It worked out to be even more air-tight than the rubber valve everyone else liked to use, and not to mention to absorbed the excess liquid flavour the generally ran off the rubber and left a tear stain down the side of the metal stem.

I smoked this machine long enough by now and learnt how to make it palatable whenever it went. This arm of metal makes a long descent into a bowl of water. The structure is secured to the bowl by a large rubber valve. Just above this rubber valve is a cone-shaped pipe curving outwards like the ear of a dog. This is where you insert you pipe (preferably leather), and place your lips around an ornately designed handle on the other end.

A cigarette or rolled up joint could never be this visceral and bonding. From the time to place your lips on the cold mouthpiece of the pipe, to the sucking in of a cooled down smoke that climaxes into a head rush that leaves your thoughts swirling once you’ve breathed out the soft and silent smoke. I started doing this because it made smoking feel vaguely luxuriate despite the health freaks jumping up and down about the dangers of smoking ‘unfiltered smoke’.

I realize I may be encouraging by-standers at various parties, but it gets people talking. One party that I remember being at was at a house. The event was intimate with only around thirty of us at the most. I say intimate because this was on the 31st of December, and normally you get unwanted people flocking. It was invite only, and I managed to meet two interesting girls, and a handful of guys. Early on I decided to pull out my hookah and get people to smoke.

If you ever want to get people interested in smoking make them smoke watermelon. It’s a flavour that everyone enjoys. I can’t think of anyone that hates eating a watermelon, it’s probably the one fruit that is great to eat and smell. For some reason one of the girls seem to be eager to smoke whether it was the alcohol, or my winning mix that did the trick I’m still can’t say.

House parties are as much a phenomena as smoking itself. I still remember fragments from that night. I remember things like a chessboard being used all the way through the night. I remember the other hookah I helped start that had a clay top the size of a coin, and a handle for a king. I seem to remember calling someone DJ Crank, but after the passing out cold my head couldn’t really make sense of the joke.

When you wake up the next morning, sounds are sharper. Your face is greasy with sweat and your voice feels like it’s talking to you from the back of the room. I remember looking at the table that was littered with ashtrays and empty cans. It seemed so like it had turned from a garden to Hooverville in a few hours. I can remember grabbing clothes strewn across the garden and watching a drunken guy walk around in his soaked-black socks with a champagne bottle in his hand. He seemed to have a nonchalant swagger and a smile slung onto his skin.

For some reason it took me back a good few years to my childhood, and made me think of the coolest cat in town.

PhilosopherPoet

George Carlin and the 10 Commandments

Here’s the full transcript…Why we don’t need ten commandments!

This (script) is from George Carlin’s HBO show, Complaints and Grievances (2002)

 PhilosopherPoet
😉

Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10? 

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened: 

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three: 

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR”S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin’ pocket. I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

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