(The abbreviation stands for Sausages, Shrubs and a Blogroll. Although I’m thinking of changing it! Please readers offer some suggestions, if possible.)
The next morning was an unusual one. This was so because Gregory woke up early. He was up before the Skype went off; he even beat the annoying birds chirping at Prestbury Crescent which was adjacent to his road. Gregory could not for the life of himself figure out why he was so lively. Maybe because he had a dream which involved stupid policemen and axes, or maybe because he had been commissioned to renovate a new website.
Whatever the reason was, it was a good one, and Gregory knew already he was going to be drinking a lot of tea. This also reminded him why he liked being British.
Being British meant it was alright to wonder around the house all day with no shoes and drink tea. It also meant you could become whiney and annoyed with life’s banalities like the weather changing, or your football team losing. Most of the time when you reached this level of annoyance you’d use words like ‘bugger’ and ‘bloody’ instead of normal profanities.
Gregory put the kettle on. He numbly watched the steam rise from the chromed spout. He was still trying to figure out the simple early morning riddles like which hand to stir the coffee with, where the cereal was last put, and why he could only find his comb five minutes before he had to go somewhere. He considered himself fortunate with the latter. Many people had a quick glance at the paper and then were up and out of the house for the rest of the day. Gregory spent it ambling to his computer, and occasionally down the road to the café to buy the paper and cigarettes.
After a very large cup of tea, Gregory found himself in front of the mirror, shaving. What had always seemed to amaze him, was why human were obsessed with hygiene. Of course he knew that it meant you’d live longer, and that if you were careful you’d only catch a cough instead of tuberculosis. Being clean didn’t only mean you were socially acceptable, but also that there were a hundred more things your mum could remind you to do, and half as many to remember on a date.
While the concept of cleanliness rose in Gregory’s mind, he began to realize that being dirty was really out of the question. The most he do was pave his lungs with tar. He been criticized for smoking, but he deftly replied that if he was going to hell he rather have a smoother ride.
Gregory was in the local café. He’d grabbed a coffee, a muffin and Gadgets magazine. As he flicked through the pages something struck him; it was the word ‘wireless’.
“Bloody hell,” he exclaimed.
One or two people turned to look at him in surprise.
Everything is becoming wireless. It was supposed to be a convenience, but it also meant you have to stock up on batteries. Gregory missed the old-fashioned cable. There was a thrill of plugging it in, the skill of hurdling them without tripping or making a console fly out of someone’s hand.
Thinking about cables also made him remember the good times, of playing video games as a kid, in front of the television. There was always a passerby dangerously juggling a mug of hot chocolate and biscuits. This is was like driving, you had to keep your eyes on the road, but still negotiate with the external factors in the environment.
The best part was when you mum brought you tea and biscuits, and smiled at you with much affection. You weren’t noticing this of course, because any break in your concentration would result in missing a high score.
Cables were like roots, pieces of attachment. What was a phone without a cordless to curl around your index finger? Why have a TV with no plug for an angry wife to pull out? Cables and cords connected our hopes and regrets. For Gregory, batteries were more admin than ease.
Gregory went home. He had decided that humans were fundamentally stupid and unpredictable. With this single thought he made some filter coffee…and slumped behind his computer’s monitor. He gripped a chewed pen that remained bonded to its friend, the scribbling pad. Now that he had a few rantings out of the way…began.
The 5 Day Creation (for the Modern Man)
Blog Posted: 26 February 2007
In the beginning God created the heavens, the earth, and the internet. No one knew where these came from, where they were going, or how they ended. However, they were all universally accepted as sources of life. God was pleased, and it was good. It was in fact so good that God gave a big “Who cares” and ran around in his undergarments.
It was not the beginning anymore. Gad had realized this so he took Photoshop out and got creative. He created great birds of the air, and great scaled thingummies that for centuries would make incensed men hop around on boats with poles and string. (Later on, he made a note to decrease the amount of deaths of fishermen.)
The schedule was becoming tight, and God was running out of ideas. He was bored and so he created plants, animals and sex. He simply saw it as making a profit on what he had, and you have to keep the customer satisfied. No one was always happy. The fish complained about the birds, the birds about the animals. Although sex was never entered into the box of complaints; none of the creatures were unhappy about it. This was because no one was old enough to find it a problem.
God leaned back in his chair and for the first time saw how abundant life had become. Everything was in a natural flux. The reality was some saw a sorter end to their existence than others. They were ok with it though, everyone was committed to the end for the sake of others. God was pleased. He threw in Communism and Natural Disasters to warm things up a bit.
Death didn’t seem to have a party going, so God grew friendly with him, and all beings were divided equally among them. (Both of them came up with: The Keeper of the Underworld, and the King of Kings. They mutually decided on these names so they could be properly introduced when the time came.)
God was nearing the end of the third day. He was excited with the way all operations were running. He knew his allegiances, and on which side his bread was buttered. Caught up in all the events, he had failed to hear the bleep of his cell phone. It was text message sent from one of the highly ranked angels, it read:
WARNING: Global Warming = End of the World. This could b yr only weakness, lol 😛 Gabe
God created humans, they had all the resources waiting for them to suck up and exploit. God also created acronyms. He realized that Gabe had jumped the gun somewhat in his message the previous day, he gave a sigh and brushed this under the carpet and distracted everyone else with a miracle. God had made an unspoken rule that every being had to be cursed with an aspect of idiocy. He made up a few languages along the way, this added to the confusion.
His grand gift to the human race was not acronyms or the language barrier. He had given them a brain. This was a brain that defied instinct and would take a few millions years to learn how to use the whole god damned thing. He was now thrilled that he had made his last major achievement. Everything else would still be discovered, and brought into existence. He’d laid down the ground rules, and principles.
Everything was done. God was so excited that he grabbed some cherubim, threw them into his chariot and went out and got drunk.
God had invented the hangover. It was made worse by the fact that he had to endure it. His head was exploding, and imploding all at once. He got out of bed, and yelled through he bedroom window to the animals to keep it down.
So on the fifth day God rested. Well, recovered would be a more appropriate word. He stayed curled in his bed the whole day. He swallowed headache tablets and drank coffee.